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95% of being married is just yelling "What" from the other room.
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95% of being married is just yelling “What” from the other room.

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A day without wine, is like... Just kidding, I have no idea!
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A day without wine, is like… Just kidding, I have no idea!

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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk.
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk.

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Always running late is my cardio.
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Always running late is my cardio.

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As long as there is coffee, everything will be fine
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As long as there is coffee, everything will be fine

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Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed
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Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed

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Doing nothing is hard. I never know when I'm done.
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Doing nothing is hard. I never know when I’m done.

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Easy like a Sunday morning
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Easy like a Sunday morning

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Everyone has the right to be stupid. You are abusing the privilege.
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Everyone has the right to be stupid. You are abusing the privilege.

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I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
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I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

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I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
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I can’t be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you

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